Everyday I get up and I wash my face and I turn that frown upside down, for my smile is the mask I wear every day.
I am a pretty quiet and private person in real life (I know you would never have guessed from this blog), I do not share my feelings or troubles freely. I find it hard to connect with real people, hard to give myself freely to friendships Partly this is down to having MadDad in my life, he was my best friend before he was my husband and I love him dearly, but also part of it is down to being let down and disappointed by someone in the past.
When we moved back to the North East six years ago, I hoped that by immersing myself in to toddler groups etc that I would meet people and make friends. But we moved to a small village and people here grew up with each other and a lot of those childhood friendships continue to this day. I chat to people in the playground, I try to make an effort, but feel pretty excluded. I know I have to put myself out there to be accepted, but gosh it is really hard.
In the past I have struggled with depression and I still have numerous health issues, but I do not want these to define me. I worked hard to overcome my depression and it is not something that I often dwell on. Most of the time I am a pretty positive person.
Recently I made an error and I fear that I have lost one of the people that I used to call a good friend. This fills me with deep sadness and I do not know how to make things better, in fact I do not think there is anything I can do to make it better. Hopefully time will heal things , either that or I will just have to let go and mourn the loss of a good friend from my own stupidity.
I am at my happiest when I am with my family. When I am surrounded with MadDad and the boys on a weekend. I love having them around and I love doing things together with them. I am putting myself out a little bit more and have been enjoying my weekly sewing class, even if I am the youngest by two generations!
I am currently trying to pluck up the courage to go to the local WI group tonight, but worry that I will be the only one under 50! I have left four messages for them, but they have not got back to me, so wondering if I should just go.
Sometimes I just wonder if it is me that feels this way or if I am just feeling a little down in the dumps?