Mum In The Madhouse- Parenting without stabilisers

The wonder of the Internet

Today I met a friend, a friend I have know for nearly three year, but never met. A friend I made on an Internet on a website for mums. It was like we had known each other forever.

Before I had children I would never have dreamed of stepping foot in such a place, but I needed support and this place offered me it in spades and never in shades of grey, always black and white. I didn't have to meet the people who offered their advise, it didn't matter whether I agreed with them or not, they were not swayed by knowing the "real" me.

Since then I have gone on to regularly frequent two such sites and both are every different, but satisfy different needs in me.

Well As you will have guessed from the blog, I love, love, love FlyLady, even if I can not stand all the "loving yourself" bits. I truly live by the main rules of anything in small amounts, 15 mins timer, the routines and habits. I came across a thread on one of the sites where some people in the UK followed her routine and joined in. It is a wonderful group of ladies, who have seen me threw thick and thin. They were there for me when I had my mastectomy, with a food parcel of tea and cakes from the very Yorkshire institution of Bettys. They sent treats for the minimads, Easter things for everyone, inspirational notebooks, I could go on, but the main thing is they all listened to me.

We often try to meet if we are ever in the area of one and another and have made some firm real life friends this way too.

Well today I met "Grouchy", her husband and her wonderful, energetic son as they were holidaying nearby. I have been excited all week about this and it definitely didn't disappoint. The mini's all got on really well and had a fantastic time playing with each other. I had a wonderful time with my friend and didn't want to leave.

Without the Internet I wouldn't have made this amazing friend, without the Internet I would never had learned about Flying, without the Internet I would have been stuck at home with a 15 month old and a seriously ill newborn and no support. The Internet has been there for me in my darkest nights and my brightest days. MadDad no longer calls these people my imaginary friends. They are some of the wisest and wonderful people I have the honour to have met.

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Why we love home made play dough

last month I made a new batch of home made play dough and added essential oils to make them smell divine. I used a different oil for each of the colours, including lavender, neroli, geranium, roman calamine and ylang ylang.

MiniMad loves play dough, it is one of his most favourite things, he loves investing things with it, making sausages, using the cookie cutters and smelling it too.

We had a lovely relaxing hour before swimming this morning with all three of us sat at the dinning table chatting and playing with the dough, infact we were all so engrossed we nearly missed our duckings session.

The thing is it is such a creative tool, versatile, inexpensive to make and also a doddle to clear up too. I find playing with it very therapeutic and relaxing.

We have shop bought playdoh including the barber set, the octopus and operation, but keep coming back to the home made stuff and the cookie cutters, squisher thing (yes that's the technical term) and rolling pin

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Hairy Hotdogs

I am not sure where I saw this idea, but it is on loads of blogs and thought we would give it a try.

Basically you get a jar of hotdogs or bratwurst and cut into chunks and skewer them with spaghetti. MaxiMad took great care at this and loved doing it, while MiniMad, just shoved them in and started to eat the bratwurst before I had even cooked them.

I then cooked them until the spaghetti was soft and warmed up some premade pasta sauce and grated cheese.

Et Voila - hairy hotdogs, scary sausages or what ever you want to call them.

The boys polished them off, this would be a fun idea for a halloween party.

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Praise, punnishment, rewards and consequence

We have always tried to bring up the MiniMads with positive praise and decided early on that we didn't want to smack them, as we believe behaviour breeds behaviour, however, we are finding that this can be a challenge.

Things slipped somewhat when I was in and out of hospital and physically not well enough to do much more than issue a well done or a reprimand. It turns out that the key to success for us is CONSISTENCY.

We have tried the reward chart route, but found it didn't work for us, unless it was something the MiniMads wanted really bad and they don't want for much, like most of today's modern children, so whilst reading through the blogs I love I came across this by Amy from The Idea Room, which is all about rewarding and reinforcing the positives, whilst not ignoring the negatives and it is a fun way of learning too, as the points equal prices (as Brucey would say). They shop is full of things like small cans of pop, sweets, crayons, popcorn, small Lego (which we got as a giveaway from The Mirror last year) and pound shop finds.

Each item is labeled with a coloured star for the number of points it costs.

I wanted to make it crystal clear on some of the things we get points for to reinforce good behaviours and things that we would like to become second nature to the boys, so I produced a chart showing this in images and words (MiniMad's are only 3 and 4, so I try and use imagery as much as possible).

It is such a cool and novel idea, that I copied it pretty much in its entirety and you know what we love it, so do the boys. The shop has opened up two Fridays now and they had had great fun picking their items, but what has gone down best of all has been the reward cards, they both love the fact that they get their special cards for "Board Games", "Bubbles in the Bath" or "Wii Time". It has helped us focus on their good behaviour and the times when they really shine.

We also had fun producing a special place for them to store their cards, I have hung these and the points information in the kitchen on their art wire.

It is by no means a magic button, but it has made me and MadDad more aware that we need to praise the good, in addition to punishing the bad.

We also operate a final warning system of Yellow and Red cards, which appeal to the MaxiMad as he has just started Football Tots. If they do something that we don't approve of they get a yellow card or final warning and then if they repeat it then it is timeout (4 mins). There is also a list of things that are immediate timeouts ie hitting and spitting.

We both make an effort to explain the consequences of their actions, so that they are aware that things happen because of them too.

However, one thing we are really struggling on is bedtime, both boys went to bed and sleep no bother until I was hospitalised, now every evening is a nightmare. We do our routine of bath, PJ's story and snuggle, but they keep getting up and being deliberately naughty - HELP

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Spiritual Sunday

I have a couple of thoughts for today. The first one I try and apply in things I do with the MiniMads. Sometimes it is hard to let go and allow them the freedom to try things and for them not to be perfect (take the playhouse).

Being Happy doesn't mean everything is perfect,

It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections

We may not have it all together

But together we have it all

My Bro and SIL got me these wonderful flowers as a thank you for having my niece over the last few weeks, totally unexpected and unnecessary, but a wonderful and uplifting gesture. I love my family

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The Gala

Today was the Gala and Fun day at my sister in law Debs and Brother Chris' Sports and Social Club and although there was some rain, we all had a fantastic time, all the proceeds were for the new local junior football club

My Niece the scary tiger

My Eldest Niece did all the face painting and was kept busy all day

Mini Mad was so excited

The boys in the junior race

Brothers - I love that they were holding hands

Hands in the air

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Hmm

I wasn't going to use this blog to write about my mastectomy and failed reconstruction, but it is a really big part of my life and, therefore, our family's life too.

I underwent the bi-lateral prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction at the end of February this year and due to compilations had to have the reconstruction reversed. I then developed a post operative infection that very nearly killed me (sounds very dramatic, but at the time was horrific) and am just healing both physically and mentally.

I have been very lucky in that I am receiving some wonderful counselling from Tees Valley Counselling Trust to help me to become accepting of my issues and also have a very good team looking after me at the hospital.

I went to see my Consultant yesterday, who very kindly saw me at the local hospital rather than me going to the main hospital and very possibly having a massive anxiety attack. I needed to discuss with him the fact that my scaring was causing me issue with my prosthetics and could he do anything for me without putting me to sleep. It turns out that he is will to operate on me under a local anesthetic and also sedation too rather than a general - woohoo

I don't think I was fully aware of the pressure and worry that I was suppressing until we left the hospital. It was like someone had lifted a weight the size of a large house of my shoulders.

It is not going to happen for a couple of months (at least) to fit in with the MiniMads starting Reception and Preschool, but it will happen and then I can wear my prosthetics hopefully without pain.

When times are hard, I focus on the reason I made the decision to have the operation, my family. We really are a team. I think we all complement each other, enjoy each others company and prove the rule that "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts". I love my family with all my heart, they are the joy in my heart and the substance of all that I do and am.

Also I am so grateful for the wonderful people that have come into our lives because of this. I arranged for us to have a homestart worker when I knew that recovery would be quite hard and she is wonderful. She comes once a week and plays with the boys. She is a calming influence and ex-primary school teacher and a wonderful woman. We are blessed to have her in our lives, she enriches us all.

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A work in progress

One of my Friends mentioned that they had used blackboard paint on the door of their playhouse and I had a light bulb moment - ding!

We used the boys birthday moneys last year to get them a playhouse and at the time painted it in two shades of green as they had requested. I also knew that we had a tub of bright blue chalkboard paint that we had used to paint the top of the small table in their bedroom, so we all set about sprucing up the playhouse.

MadDad gave the whole of the house another coat of the protective paint, I painted the door and the two front panels with the blackboard paint and also a square above the door and then me and the eldest MiniMad decided to add some decorative touches.

We have spent the afternoon adding a farm theme to the front of the house and it looks great.

I say it is a work in progress as he has decided that he wants grass and bugs up the side under the window, which we will do over the weekend if we have a sunny day. I will also hang the curtains we have made.

I had to work hard at not worrying about it being all neat and perfect and let MaxiMad do the painting, after I had done one to show him and it made me think about a saying that I love....

Being Happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect

It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. annon

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Danby Village Show

Me and the boys went to Danby Village Show this afternoon with friends and had a great time. It is a traditional agricultural show and very popular, as it is set in the beautiful North Yorkshire Moors National Park and Danby is a lovely village. It was made all the nicer as the sun continued to shine.

The main event was the appearance of the Glaisdale Fox hounds in the main arena and I was really surprised by Maxi Mad as he stroked one of the Fox Hounds (he is scared of dogs). This pack has established since 1877 and now hunt within the grounds of the law.

The boys loved all the animals, especially the sheep and were lucky enough to charm one of the breeders to let them have a stoke of her Jacobs Lamb.

They were less interested in the cattle, but then they only need visit Grandad to see a working dairy farm, so I guess it wasn't as exciting for them.

I have to say it was this pigeon that I really found interesting, the poor thing looks as though it is wearing a fur collar!

Village and town shows are really popular in the North East of England and part of the agricultural lifestyle and it is something that the boys really enjoy. They love looking at the vintage farm machinery, the prize vegetables and all the school exhibitions. It is unusual for us to visit one with out the inlaws, who are part of the farming community, but it made a nice change for the boys to visit with other children their age and anyway their Grandad is currently very busy making hay while the sun shines as the saying goes.

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