A lump in my throat 12

The shops are filling up with card for Mothers Day and each time I see or hear it mentioned it brings a lump to my throat.  For the first time in my entire life, I do not have a mother to celebrate on Mothers Day and that makes me unbelievably sad.  I want the world to stop and take notice of me.  I didn’t want to my my mother in law a card, although today I did and to give MadDad his due, he said thank you and then made me cry by saying he understood just how hard that was for me to do.

The thing is I don’t look any different, even though I feel like I am made of china with a large crack down through my heart.  People soon forget that I am still grieving the sudden loss of my mum.  I don’t want to make a big thing of it, I don’t want to remind people, but I do wish that there was a little more understanding and compassion in this world.  That people could be a little less wrapped up in their own lives that they could see that I too am still hurting.  That my family is missing its matriarch this mothers day.

Tomorrow is my 16 Wedding Anniversary and I just wanted to get rid of this feeling, to put it in to words and to hopefully feel a little brighter in the morning.

Please remember, you don’t have to wait until Mothers Day to let your mum know how much they mean to you, even if you don’t have the best of relationships, she partly made you what or who you are today.

I love you Mum.

12 thoughts on “A lump in my throat

  • notSupermum

    I was thinking about you today. Today marked 4 years since my lovely Mum passed away, and i miss her everyday. The day after she died it was Mother’s Day although I don’t remember much of it as it passed in a blur.

    So today I was thinking about my Mum, and then remembered that this year you’ll spend your first Mother’s Day without your Mum too. I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to feel the way you do – it’s still early days, and missing her is a tribute to the wonderful Mum she obviously was. Take care xx

    • admin

      @notSupermum: Oh more big fat, hot, wet tears now. Thank you for thinking of me, today of all days. I know that it is early days, I think I just find it easier to put in writing and try and process my feelings this way. I don’t expect people to listen!

  • Mirka Moore

    I am so sorry you are feeling so sad, and have no idea what you are going through and cannot imagine not having my mum. I don’t see her very often as my parents don’t live in the UK, and I relly miss her. It will take time to heal your soul, but we are here for you. Love Mirka 😉

    • admin

      @Mirka Moore: I don’t think I really understood my mother until I was one, they are such imporatant people. Thank you for listening

  • VintageVicki

    Oh Jen – the first of everything is going to be the hardest. My Mum found it so tough last year when it was Fathers Day and she no longer had her Dad to buy for. We shall feel the same this June when we won’t be able to send FIL a card.

    I am sure those lovely little boys of yours will make you smile on that day when they give you cards they’ve made for you.

  • ang almond

    It is twenty years since I lost my Mum, and I missed Red Nose Day that year as I spent the entire day at her bedside until she left us for heaven. I still find Mothering Sunday hard – but on RND I remember how much she loved children and how concerned she was for ‘those poor African babies’ – so I throw myself into it wholeheartedly as a tribute to her love and concern. Sending you warm hugs as you struggle with the next few weeks xx

  • northernmum

    oh Jen, my heart breaks for you, I have a fabulous mum and our relationship sounds very similiar to how you described your own with your mother and I cant even imagine how you are coping through this.

    However I also know you are made of strong stock and will be showing the ‘real’ world a brave face – go find someone you can hug.

    thinking of you lovely!


  • Barenakedmummy

    My heart goes out to you and it will get easier (I may be saying this with clamped teeth). Mum died 8 years ago and though I feel close to my MIL the only person I send a card to is my godmother (my mum’s close friends!).
    Big gigantic hugs from Wales

  • Blue Sky

    My heart was broken when my Mum died in 2007 and I still miss her every day, but it’s not as overwhelming as it was. That first year was very difficult, hope you got through the day okay xx

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