All that Remains | Mum In The Madhouse

All that Remains

White on white, raised and hard
So obviously foreign in their origin
Not flowing, not organic
Just Jagged and sharp
Like quiet footsteps on a hard floor
Pattering against the soft smooth skin
puckered, raw and taught 
Alien in the lunar landscape
gripping pain, prevents rest and sleep
no amount of rubbing can realise me
I press against my muscles with my fingers
Too tense they refuse to give
electric currants pulse through the wires
still no release from the incessant pull
warm swimming feeling from opiates in mind
pain penetrates all options
I sink in to the deep warm water
hoping for some realise
Deeper holding my breath
stifling the moans from ever increasing pain
The house stands quiet
the only noise the gentle fizzing of the refrigerator
But in my ears buzzes the throb of unyielding pain
Muscles refusing to give
The clock ticks in my mind
1.20am, I hear gentle snoring
not mine
no fear, for seep will come I tell myself
3.44am, still no release
I am in its grip, the iron fist
to apprehensive to make a sound
halting the groan in my throat
My family sleep soundly
I will not wake them
They have been through so much will me
This I must cope with on my own
I focus all my energy on resisting the pain
try to relax, to resist
but still it is there
never ceasing
Even though my family surround me
I am in solitude with my pain
Soon the sun will rise
but the pain wont dim
A smile I will put on my face
A spring in my step
to greet the day with my boys
but ultimately pain is all that remains
It is so hard to put in to words the pain that I feel, it is not constant and ever present, thankfully it comes and go.  Mainly coming on a night in my shoulders, a terrible unrelenting pain.  When it comes it is hard to find anything that really eases it, other than the warm hands of my wonderful husband, but I can not and will not wake him selfishly, especially when he is so tired after a hard week at work and home.
So on nights like tonight.  I take my pain killers and try to sleep, when it doesn’t come then it is the tens machine and a bath,  some nights it works, others it leaves me desolate and alone.  Tonight is one of those nights.  I have tried reading, warm milk, lavender, heat on the area, but there is no relief to be found, so I will wait for the dawn and hope the day brings better things.