Alone 27

As I sit here and type I have tears rolling down my face because all of a sudden I have realised that my mum was alone and on her own when she died last year and what fear and pain she must have felt.

I woke on Christmas Eve to the sound of the telephone ringing and when I answered it was mum.  She wasn’t upset, just very matter of fact and said that her arthritis was playing up and she was finding it hard to get moving and get her medication and could I come and help her.  So I set off in the snow to Mums, which was about a 10 mile drive, but a world away in snow terms.  Maddad was at home with the boys and taking Mini to the GP’s as he had a pretty bad chest infection and needed seeing.

When I got to mums, she had managed to get downstairs and I made her a cup of tea and helped her with her medications.  I got out her clothes and the tens machine and she was going to take a shower when the phone rang.  It was MadDad to say that it had started to snow again and he was stranded at the GP’s with both the boys, as in 10 minutes over an inch of snow had come down and it wasnt showing signs of stopping.

So mum being mum told me to go home and get back to my boys, that she would be fine, as she was going to my Brothers for Christmas Day and would see hoe she felt that evening and might even pop to the Club for Christmas Eve.  So I did as I was told (if you knew my mum, you knew it was best to not argue).  I gave her a big kiss and cuddle and told her we would see her on Boxing Day for our family time together and then again on the 27 for our family get together with my brother and his family.

It took me over an hour to do a 15 minute drive and when I next spoke to my mum at 2pm, she told me the tens machine wasn’t working and that my Brother was popping in to Boots to pick her up a new one.  She said she was feeling much better apart for some pain in her back.

I spoke to her at least two more times on Christmas Eve , once at 7pm when the boys rang her to say good night and then again at 9ish to say good night myself and wish her a good Christmas Eve.  She told me she was going to make a cup of tea and go up to bed, as Chris was collecting her around 10ish on Christmas Day.  So I said I would ring her in the morning, but if she didn’t answer we would wait for her to call us.

We rang my mum at 9am on Christmas morning and left a message on her answering machine all singing we wish you a Merry Christmas and thought nothing of it and then received the call to say that he had found mum dead at 10am.

It is only now nearly a year later I can actually comprehend that my mum died alone in her home on Christmas Eve, probably just after speaking to me on the phone, as she was found in the kitchen with teabag in cup and milk on the side.  She was making that cup of tea to take up to bed with herself.  I can not imagine what she went though, but at the moment I am in pieces.


27 thoughts on “Alone

  • Metropolitan Mum

    Dear Jen,
    Please don’t cry. I am sure that the closeness the two of you had went beyond just being there. She knew that you loved her more than anything and that you were always and will always be in her heart.
    Big hug,
    Deborah xx

  • Mummylimited

    Jen, my darling, I really don’t know what to say to take your pain away. I so wish I could, but it’s not that simple. I can’t even be there to give you a hug. This is going to be a difficult time for you, especially this year.
    I’m sure your mum would not want you to focus on this particular aspect. It was out of your control and there was nothing you could’ve done. You are a caring loving daughter, friend, Mum, sister and wife and do her proud every day.
    Words aren’t enough, but I’m thinking of you and you know where to find me.

  • Alexander Residence

    So glad you wrote this, I know it must hurt so much to do it, it demonstrates to me you are a wonderful daughter who was continually in touch with her mum. I know the shock is always going to be there and the need to have been there with her too, but I see your mum left the world feeling truly loved and cared for by her family. I wrote you a reply to your comment on my post too.
    I find too I am piecing it together and letting out more as the end of the first year approaches.
    Big hug xxxx

  • Melaina25

    You aren’t alone with tears on your face. Do not beat yourself up. You could not have known what was to happen. It sounds to me your Mum knew how much she was loved so she was very much not alone. Xoxoxo (((((HUGS))))))

  • VintageVicki

    Jen – you could not have known that this was going to happen by the sounds of it nor did your Mum. She’d seen and spoken to you loads on Christmas Eve and was happily making plans etc.

    Whilst it was the most horrid of shocks made even worse by the date you must think that she’d been as happy as possible in herself and hopefully she didn’t suffer xxxx

    We lost my FIL just after Christmas and it was a long drawn out emotional rollercoaster – still struggling with that this time of year too so I’ve some idea how you are feeling xxx

  • Mirka Moore

    Oh Jen, this must be so difficult for you, but you couldn’t have done anything and don’t blame yourself. She wasn’t alone, she had you and all her loved one in her heart. I cannot imagine what you are going through and no one except people in the same situation can. Hope you get through this and also enjoy this Xmas a bit too. Hugs Mirka

  • Hannah

    ((hugs, Jen)) I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right now x
    It sounds like you were a wonderful daughter to your Mum, not many families are so close.
    If I had to choose what to do in my final hours, speaking to my family and knowing that my family were safe, well, happy and loved (and loved me, back) would be a great comfort, I think.

  • Tanya (Bump2Basics)

    Jen, you are a kind, caring and resilient woman….stay strong at this tough time. You were with your mum in spirit, and I’m sure she knew how much you loved her. Although this must be so hard, try not to spend too much time imagining those last moments b/c that won’t bring answers….try to remember that you are doing your mum proud every day. From how you describe her she’d want to see you with your head held high. Big hug xx

  • claire

    Jen, I cant imagine just how hard this must be for you. Its the absolute worst time of year for this. With the passing of time things will get better and your mum knew that she was loved. Remember that she will always be there with you. Hugs, if you need to chat i’m here. xxx

  • Kate

    So hard for you to deal with. The loss of a Mum is so tough and at Christmas too, even more so if that is possible. She died just after speaking to someone who she loved and was loved by. You know, that is a lot better than most people so take heart from that.
    But I know it is hard, it is a cliche but it does get that bit easier in time

  • Michelle Twin Mum

    So sorry to read this Jen. My heart goes out to you, I just cannot imagine. It must be horrendous and I’ll be praying that you can find peace in time. Your Mum knew how much she was loved.

    Mich x

  • Karen Jones

    oh Jen, my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling at the moment, its such a terrible thing for you to be suffering. Although I have never lost a member of my family I have always though that the real grieving must months, maybe years after the loved person has died. Its doubly hard that your mum died on Christmas Eve.
    There is nothing anybody can say that will help you at the moment but please know many people have you, Drew and those gorgeous boys of yours in their thoughts.
    I am sure because you are not feeling well at the moment and also worrying about the MRI scan this cannot be helping.
    Please know you are not alone.
    Massive hugs lovely xxxx

  • MIchelle Utterlyscrummy

    Oh Jen, there are no words I can find that seem adequate. All I can offer is enormous hugs, lotsa love, prayers for you all, and tell you that you are not alone. You are so very lovely, brave, strong & a fantastic Mum to your boys. Your Mum knew she was loved and that you all cared very deeply for her. Take comfort in that. Believe me, that’s a shed load more than some people have.

    It will be hard through the festive season, keep her in your thoughts and hearts. Much love xx

  • Kate

    Oh Jen. I cannot even begin to imagine how you felt & must be feeling. I can tell from how you write about your mum that you were so close and she will have known how much she was loved by all of you.

    I Know it must be beyond hard for you this year, but I just wanted to send you my love.


  • Susan Mann

    Huge big hugs Jen, you didn’t know what was going to happen. Your mum was so loved and she loved you and your family so much. She would not want you to beat yourself up so much about this. It is fine to grieve and miss her. I miss my dad every day and it’s been longer than the length of time you have lost your mum. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could help you with your pain. Please know you are in my thoughts. Hugs xx

  • Kelly

    Oh my love, it is hard to put into words what I want to say but I want you to know that we are thinking of you and always here if you need to let of steam. I hope that you find writing as theraputic as I do, and that letting these words out gives you a small release of everything pent up inside.

    No one can say for sure but I would like to think that when it is my time to go that I would do so after talking to my beloved daughter and with a mind full of excitement and plans for the festive season.

    Take care of yourself x

  • Mama Syder

    Such an awful day to lose your Mum, its bad enough when its a regular day but Christmas is just dreadful for you & your family. I dont know you but when I read your words about your Mum I can tell you thought the world of her.

    The last xmas I had with my Mum she didnt tell us she had cancer, I didn’t have a clue and bought her a really boring new kettle for Christmas. A flippin kettle, I could kick myself now as if I’d known it was her last xmas I would have got her something really special. I often feel guilty about that.

    Our Mums knew we loved them…Mums just do dont they. Please dont cry, although it does help doesn’t it. Thinking of you x

  • Cass@frugalfamily

    Oh Jen I wish I could help but I know it’s something you have to make peace with yourself. I genuinely don’t think that she would have felt alone when she died, she’d just got off the phone to you wishing her a happy Christmas and was looking forward to her day with your brother the next day – If anything, she’ll have felt lucky to have two lovely grown up children who wanted her to be a part of their lives.

    I know the next few weeks are going to be hard for you and you know I’m here whenever you need me x

  • Kate, WitWitWoo

    Oh Jen. I feel for you so much. Christmas always brings emotions to the surface and you’re still very much in the midst of your grieving process. Just give yourself time. You sound like you were a very caring, loving daughter who loved her mum very much .. and who had a mum who loved you very much. Try and hold on to that. It’s what I do when I miss my mum. Thinking of you. x

  • Ali

    A big hug for you x I wrote a simliar post yesterday too. But mine is 21 years on. It is tough I won’t pretend otherwise, I taunt myself with the same things as you but you know in your heart your Mum knew she was loved and so did mine.

    Be strong but not to strong. That might sound strange but…

    Thinking of you xxx

  • Lace hearts

    That must have been, and be, so heartbreaking. My dad died alone, and I’ve felt so broken up about it ever since. It’s the hardest thing, especially so when you’ve been so close to a parent. Your post very much brought it back. It’s very very hard, and more so given the time of year. x

  • Barenakedmummy

    There are no words that I can say
    That will take the pain away
    Remember her always

    I hope you know that we are all here for you and know that my tears are running down my face for your pain.


  • hpretty

    Oh hun, if you give in to these thoughts your mind goes round and round in circles and it becomes unbearable. it might have been very quick. You might never know. but it’s over now and she isn’t in any pain or fear. She knew you loved her.


  • Liska

    I hope telling us that took a load off.
    I am sure angels came to get her and that she wasn’t truly alone.
    Lots of love and hugs
    Liska xxx

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