I have been trying to keep myself busy these last few weeks. Trying to avoid the feeling that has been building in my chest, the rising emptiness that has permeated my whole being. I dare not stop, I dare not let this feeling invade for the tears will start to fall and I fear that they may never stop.
Perspective, yes that is what I have needed. It is hard to admit that I am still grieving, that I am scared and that I am so frightened at the moment. That living my life can be so bloody hard. That sometimes the fear paralyses me, that I want to curl up in a little ball and not to go on.
Why I hear you ask?
You have a lovely family? Well that is part of it, I do have a lovely family, but a big part of it is missing, leaving a raw and gaping wound, that sometimes no amount of dressings or virtual bandages can keep hidden. My mum isn’t here and I can not tell you the amount of times over these last two weeks I have almost picked up the phone and told her about our firsts, about the boys riding without their stabilizers, about Maxi’s first lost tooth and Mini’s first major haircut and short hair. She should be here sharing Mini’s firth birthday tomorrow, about our excitement about Glee Live and Legoland. I have been trying hard to find a word that encompasses the way I feel and it is bittersweet. I am happy and sad at the same time. There is so much joy in my life, but at the moment there is a cloud casting a shaddow over it.
I need my mum. I really do. I am off to hospital next Friday for an operation and I want my mum to look after the boys, to ensure that they are safe and secure whilst I concentrate on getting well. I want her to cuddle me and reassure me that everything will be OK like she has for the last 30 odd years. My mum was a wonderful Grandma and she would have made the boys feel secure and safe whilst I wasn’t there. She would have gone to Mini’s fashion show on Friday whilst I was in hospital so MadDad could stay with me. It is part of being a mother that makes me insist that MadDad does to the fashion show whilst I am in hospital and then come and see me after. Mini needs him more than I do. I need him to make sure my boys are OK.
All of a sudden I am aware of my mortality again and this is so hard to deal with. I am aware that in all likelihood everything will turn out OK, but I am also aware that the last time I had an operation I nearly died. I nearly left my children without a mother and that was before I know the pain of being without a mother. It is one of the reasons I have put off having this operations, but I can not do that any longer, as the pain is becoming unbearable. It is so hard to put yourself in this position. My heart is willed with “what ifs” and my head counteracts them with statistics and reality. I am literally being torn in two, but then tell me many mothers that aren’t.
Add on top of that the fact that I feel such a fraud sometimes, what I am going through is nothing compared to the pain, heartache and suffering other people go though. I am not writing this looking for sympathy, in doing this, each word on the screen is one less word in my head, in my heart. One less feeling that I need to keep locked inside. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve in real life. I hide it deep down, I do not freely tell people my feelings, no they are private and something I only share with true friends and people that I know well. I have a front that I project, a hard shell that I do not allow to often crack. You have to be close to me to see that veneer slipping to realise what is underneath.
So I am looking forward to a weekend with my family, with Mini turning five tomorrow. A trip to London to see Glee Live, to rise the London Eye, to stay at the fantastic Malmaison in Reading and them visit Legoland on Monday. I am grateful for Lego Duplo in sponsoring me to go to CyberMummy, but please lets put some perspective on things it is one day in my life and yes I am looking forward to meeting some old friends and hopefully making some new ones, but I am not going to let it be the most important part of the weekend, no that is going to be spending quality time with my family.
Oh and I will be wearing……………………………………………………… clothes for anyone who was wondering!