Conflicted 17

I am feeling miserable at the moment, down, blue, grumpy and just plain not happy.  I feel as though I am being torn in two directions.  I have the boys who are so happy that Christmas is coming and that Father Christmas will be on his way and the thing is as much as I love Christmas it currently fills me with a sense of dread and overwhelming grief for my mum.

I do not want Christmas to become a time of mourning for the boys, I want them to feel all the joy that Christmas brings to Children, but I also want to remember my mum and understand that I am still grieving for her.

I feel terribly conflicted and I do not know how to reconcile these feelings or even if I am supposed too.

I have made sure that I have most of the boys presents and have made a start on the advent activities that we will be doing in the hope that keeping busy helps.  I always find that the boys are the best medicine a girl could hope for.

But I am also a little concerned over my health at the moment.  For those of you that don’t know I had an MRI scan on Saturday evening for some pain in my spine and I should find out the results in a couple of weeks time.  So I would appreciate your prayers (if you are that way inclined) or just your thoughts if you are not.