Conflicted 17

I am feeling miserable at the moment, down, blue, grumpy and just plain not happy.  I feel as though I am being torn in two directions.  I have the boys who are so happy that Christmas is coming and that Father Christmas will be on his way and the thing is as much as I love Christmas it currently fills me with a sense of dread and overwhelming grief for my mum.

I do not want Christmas to become a time of mourning for the boys, I want them to feel all the joy that Christmas brings to Children, but I also want to remember my mum and understand that I am still grieving for her.

I feel terribly conflicted and I do not know how to reconcile these feelings or even if I am supposed too.

I have made sure that I have most of the boys presents and have made a start on the advent activities that we will be doing in the hope that keeping busy helps.  I always find that the boys are the best medicine a girl could hope for.

But I am also a little concerned over my health at the moment.  For those of you that don’t know I had an MRI scan on Saturday evening for some pain in my spine and I should find out the results in a couple of weeks time.  So I would appreciate your prayers (if you are that way inclined) or just your thoughts if you are not.

17 thoughts on “Conflicted

  • Kate, WitWitWoo

    Oh Jen. So sorry you’re feeling crap. You must be full of such conflicting emotions right now. I know how bittersweet Christmas is without a mum yet wanting to do the best for your kids. I have no answer other than to say I’m sending you lots of positive thoughts for your results and a big hug. x

  • Tattie Weasle

    Thoughts and prayers and don’t think about the conflict of Christmas and grief it just makes it worse if you feel guilty in anyway. I remember my Gran, who brought me up, at this time of year too I still miss her not as much as I did but I lvoe telling my boys stories about ther and I carry on her Christmas traditions although she is not with me I still feel I share all these precious moments. It does take a long time. That’s OK. Big {{{HUGS}}}

  • Glenda

    My thoughts are with you Jen. I don’t think it’s any surprise you’re a bit down and I can’t sympathise but you have always seemed to me like a person who is made of strong stuff 🙂
    A friend of mine lost her Nana who she had a very close relationship with just before Christmas a few years ago. They always make a point of remembering her with a table decoration on the family Christmas dinner table and try to balance being sad for the loss with their fond memories.
    I hope you feel a little better soon

  • Midlife Singlemum

    Thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs coming your way. I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom to give you other than to agree with the comments above, but I understand how and why you feel and I hope you can find a way through in the best way possible. Good luck for the medical results. xxx

  • Sally

    As my Mum likes to say at times like these – you feel what you feel. No point apologising for it, or feeling guilty about it. You miss your Mum, you’re having a tough time, and you wish she was around to support you, and be a part of a family Christmas. That’s completely understandable, and natural.

    I was reading an interview this week with Gloria Hunniford (as you do) and she was talking about the first Christmas after her daughter died – wanting to make it fun for her grandsons, but feeling sad at their loss.

    And she was advised by Cliff Richard (this story gets cooler by the minute, I know) that since her daughter had loved Christmas, they should make this the biggest and best Christmas ever – in her memory. So rather than 1 Christmas tree, they had 6, one in every room, and they went mad on decorations and made sure to sing carols and go to mass and do all the things they would have done had Gloria’s daughter still been around.

    Which I guess is a long way of saying go with your feelings but why not use the Christmas hols as a time to celebrate and share with the boys everything your Mum loved about Christmas and yes, you’ll shed a few tears at times, but you’ll get through, and so will the boys, and if in doubt, there’s always Baileys.

    This comment explains why I am not a professional counsellor.

  • mama Syder

    I know exactly how you feel, I miss my Mum every day but I find Christmas a real battle without her. The first three years I just didnt enjoy Christmas at all (usually its my fav time of year). It just hurt so flippin bad not having Mum at the Christmas table and I felt so sad that Christmas might never be a happy time for me ever again. However by the time the 4th xmas arrived I felt totally different…I dont know why or what changed it just now feels like I can enjoy it again.

    I had to make Christmas our own, as before Me & Mum always arranged xmas together. I changed a few traditions, introduced a few new things etc. I still think of Mum and I always sob as I put up the decs and crave her presence but its easier now.

    Sending you a massive hug and lots of positive energy for good scan results x

  • Melitsa

    I’m sorry you feel so blue. It is difficult and you sharing is good. So many wise comments already made. Big hugs your way. I must say that I love the American Thanksgiving holiday this week as it allows you to stop and be just grateful right in the midst of everything. Perhaps you can hijack it by association…

  • Suzanne

    Christmas is a strange time of year, I always, always think about my dad and wish he was still here to share it with us.
    I will definitely be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts, my mum, who is 82, is also going for an MRI scan for back pain in a couple of weeks. She is in agony, and I just hope they will be able to help her.
    Love to you x

  • Julie

    Oh, you have a lot on your plate at the moment, a lot of difficult emotions. I will be thinking of you and have my fingers crossed. I don’t really know how you resolve the Christmas conflict, I guess you’ll have to wotok through it – it is the first time after all and I suppose it was never going to be easy. love, Juliex

  • Crystal Jigsaw

    I totally understand how you feel. Christmas can be a very difficult time for people who have lost someone close, it’s a permanent reminder of the wonderful memories we cherish. I do think it’s important that children don’t get distracted by grief during the festive season and I guess its our responsibility as parents to grieve in private especially during this very exciting, special and incredibly fun time. Children will pick up on more than we give them credit for which I think is why we have to let them be children for as long as possible.

    You’re in my prayers.
    CJ xx

  • Kate

    Oh Jen, I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now, so I just want to send you lots of love and to say I’m thinking of you. It’s going to be hard, allow yourself to think about your mum without feeling guilty about your boys, you’re a fab mum and they love you, you’ll make Xmas perfect for them.

    Love & Hugs xxxx

  • Kate

    Well, I am kind of in the same situation as you but 10 years on. My dad died on 17th December 2000 so the anniversary of his death is close to Christmas and his funeral was on 28th. My mum wanted everyone to have Christmas first. So, Christmas is totally bound up with sadness that he is not here and as it’s such a family time, the distress that he never got to see my kids and they never got to meet him is at its highest.

    As Sally says, no point in apologising for how you feel. You can’t really tell anyone how to feel and grief is such a personal thing – it is different for everyone and possibly, it’s different every time you lose someone. In my experience, it will get easier but you will feel conflicted as the time of year approaches. You will feel both emotions – but who said you were only to feel one? It’s fine to feel festive and happy but grieving and sad all at the same time.

    I also have found that the firsts are always the hardest. The first anniversary of any death is hard and this year, the timing will not help.

    Thinking of you all and hope the results from the MRI are good. x

  • Cass@frugalfamily

    I’m sending lots of positive vibes your way Jen.

    I don’t think you can stop yourself from feeling how you feel and it’s completely understandable, I think what you’re doing is just right – focus on the boys and make sure they have a great Christmas but make sure you take time for you too…

    I usually have Baileys in the fridge and if ever you want to go out with MadDad for some grown up time I’m happy to babysit, I can even come to yours…. Have Baileys, will travel 😉

  • Valerie

    My Dad died 3 weeks before my son was born in 2009. He had been ill all over Christmas, went to hospital in the New Year and passed away soon after. I know the conflict you are feeling right now. Hugs

  • Alexander Residence

    You just voiced the feelings that have slowly been creeping to the surface for me too. I think I am trying to focus on enjoying each day in Dec, like you opening the advent calendar, living in the now, and not on one big day, which will be very tough this year. It’s all so unpredictable isn’t it, and these cold dark days do nothing for us.
    Love Sally’s advice. I’ve been trying to pinpoint my mum’s Christmas legacies 🙂
    Always here if you need to share the ups and downs xxxx

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