You carry on as though nothing is wrong in your world, you drop the children to school and you all chat banally about what presents you got for Christmas and what you bought in the January Sales, don’t you know I am dying inside.
The children run around the playground delighted to see each other again after the Christmas break and I want to curl up and hide, don’t you know I am hurting inside.
The cars jostle for parking spaces on the high street and the delivery lorries double park, more fodder for the consumers. Don’t they know the last thing I want is any more stuff, I am small and insignificant.
HOW DARE YOU!
How dare you all go on with your every day life, don’t you know my mum is dead?
Don’t you know that I have changed, that I can never be the person I was ever again.
My world will never be the same, it is missing two of the most important people in my life, they shaped me in to the person I am today and now I am an orphan.
I’m sending you big hugs. I was serious, if you want to shout and scream at someone then I’m more than happy to be here for you. x
I can only imagine how you are feeling. Don’t be alone – there are lots of us here to support you when you need us. x
I know exactly how you feel as on occasions I still feel like this & it’s been 6 yrs since my mum died.
Sending lots of hugs.
Yvonne x
I know a little of what you are going through. My thoughts were once overwhelmed by grief, and now are overwhelmed by the most incredible memories that will remain in my heart for eternity.
Take care xx
Oh sweetheart, massive, massive hugs.
I wish I could be there for you, thinking of you all and sending our love x
My heart breaks for you dear friend. I can only imagine how that feels. You want people to notice your grief, to stop and see it like a physical injury. I am so, so sad for you.
Always, always here if you need me. Come to Devon, come and talk and cry and hug and laugh and talk and talk and talk. xxxx
It must be so hard right now sweetie. I feel like I could say the same to everyone around me. I’m so sad yet how can everyone carry on?? Thinking of you xxxxx take care xx
It is the most difficult time. My mother died over 20 years ago now, before I left school, but I can still feel fresh grief at times and wonder why on earth no-one else is noticing it. There is some comfort in knowing it will ease; but it may not feel like that to you just now. Your life has changed; you have changed; and slowly the rest of the world will catch up.
Big Hugs x
Oh Jen, I am so very, very sorry. I know just how you are feeling I’m an orphan too. Unlike you, though I didn’t have children when my mum and dad died. They will help you get through it. Believe me, the pain will subside in time. The sadness though won’t go. You can never replace your mum. I am thinking of you at this sad time. You know where I am if you need to talk, or whatever. Big hugs.
Grief is also a pain and I know the feeling well of wanted it noticed. Shout it out, hun, don’t let it fester inside.
They may have gone but I believe they are still here watching you- one day you will notice them, talk to them – let them know your anger and pain.
GIGANTIC HUGS to you.
BNM
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I know you just want to shout ‘stop the world spinning I want to get off’
Nothing will be the same again but one day there will be a new normal albeit with a mum shaped hole. Xx
Jen – I can understand how you are feeling and it is hard to carry on and listen to everyone’s seemingly banal stuff when you are hurting so much inside.
Sending you a huge cyber hug and wish it could be a RL one.
Vicki xx
I know exactly how you feel. Do I? Yes as I lost my Dad now 9 years ago and remember how I felt as if it was yesterday.
It isn’t fair! The world doesn’t stop for a single moment when the heart of your loved one stops beating. While your world falls apart around you there is laughter, people hurrying, kids playing, people whining, bad news on the news…but it just doesn’t stop.
If there is a greater spirit then it is unfair. The prisons are full of people who harmed others and the good ones are taken away from us.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Hope you will find love and support with each other to grief.
Hug! xo
Oh sweetheart…I truly do understand, how VERY VERY dare they. If you EVER want to talk, to vent, whatever email me, please? You have my email. Talking about your Mum is so so important. But I’ve found that after a little while, people start to glaze over a little, like they’ve heard it a few too many times (sure it’s not true, but that’s how I feel) so we can end up not talking. Big hugs lovely xxx
Oh Jen, I know the feeling so well (even though it is for different reasons) and my heart goes out to you. It just seems so unfair doesn’t it and as if no-one cares, well we do and we are thinking of you xx
Even though we’ve never met and I’ve only tweeted with you a couple of times I have been thinking about you ever since I saw your tweet on Christmas Day. I especially thought of that tweet when you so bravely and sweetly took the time to comment on my blog the other day.
You too are bravely TRYING to carry on….it is very hard for you I can see, from this post.
Hugs….(xx)) Jazzy
Oh dearest Jenny, I never thought of that before.I can assure we’re thinking of you xxx
It is so hard when something fundamentally changes your life. You need the pause bottom. You need the world to freeze frame while you deal with it. It never does. And maybe, that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe it’s a good thing that we are never allowed to curl up in a ball and spend the rest of our lives sobbing in a corner. Maybe we need to know that life does still go on. Life is very unfair sometimes.
@The Moiderer: Life is terrible and deals some cards that you feel you can not deal with. But it is these thinhs that shape up. I can not imagine your pain at losing Adam. Life has to go on, or there wouldnt be any reason for living
HUGE hugs – I can only imagine what you are going through. But I do know the feeling whereby you wnat the world to stop to see your pain and understand it. To grieve with you.
“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone…” Funeral Blues, WH Auden
((((Jen)))) No words, just prayers and hugs. I can not even imagine the pain.
Mich x
Oh Jen I really do empathise.
It’s like living in some twilight world isn’t it?
Life goes on around you as normal, external things don’t change, yet your world has been rocked to its very core.
Thinking of you x
@Suzanne: You are so right, I want the nights and days to end. But it is the way of life and these moments shape us
My lovely friend. I have been ill all over Christmas and am only just catching up with news. I am so, so sorry Jen. I cannot imagine your pain or your grief or your anger.
Keep writing, keep reaching out and screaming and shouting it out. And know you are very much loved x
@Josie: Thank you for the comment, I am sorry that you have been unwell. I do find that writing helps. I can not keep this pain inside
Oh Jen, I am so sorry to read this and everything I wanted to say has been said above, please know you are in my thoughts and in my heart and I pray the sun shines again for you one day soon xxx
(((hugs)))
I don’t know what else to say. Have been thinking of you lots though, and sending you love. xx
I remember feeling like this when my dad died (when I was 20) and now my heart aches that anyone else should have to go through it. Death is part of life, but my goodness, it’s the worst part.
I do know how you feel as yesterday was my dad’s death anniversary. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending big hugs to you and try to think of the happy memories.
@Charlene: Thank you for your comment and I am so sorry about your dad’s death. It is these things that shape us as people and I keep focussing on the happy times
I am so sorry for your grief and for all these huge and conflicting emotions you are experiencing. I know from this last year how terrible they are, how it feels as if the world should stop spinning. I know the feeling of wanting to wear black, tell every shop assistant, shriek at the world so they know the lens through which you are viewing the world.
I’d be lying if I told you those all go away – and you know that anyway. I’m told it is a very particular thing to suddenly be down both parents. I imagine it is disorientating in the same way losing a child is. Just… wrong.
If it is anything like, I can only promise you’ll begin to stitch it in to the fabric of life – and not every shop assistant will need telling.
Many hugs.
@Merry: I don’t think anything can compare to losing a child, that is unnatural (my niece lost her baby at 6 months), but it is certainly odd to be down both parents. I can understand why Victorians wore black, it would make things so much easier. It is ten years since Dad’s death and I am getting there, I think that it is just the shock at the moment
My heart really goes out to you and there is nothing I can say that will lessen your pain. Grieving takes a tremendous amount of emotional and physical strength. Try and take care of yourself, accept as much help as you can tolerate. It’s incredibly difficult as a Mum to be able to get the space and time to grieve when you are busy sorting everyone else out. It’s really hard to carry on with normal day to day stuff, and watch the world carrying on whilst you are hurting so much. Shout it out, talk about your feelings and your Mum, find a few friends you can really confide in. Those who know that even though you look fine on the outside, inside you’re really suffering.
Sending huge hugs and lots of love and prayers to you and your family.
I can’t say anything more than everyone else has but yes how dare! It just isn’t fair!! I really have been thinking about you and I am just so sorry.
I know at times it must be hard to carry on and you just want time to grieve alone but those gorgeous little boys will give you strength x
Jen, I know exactly what you mean. I read this earlier but couldn’t comment at the time as I had a little cry of my own. It’s been five years since my mam died and I still get upset about it sometimes.
You’re right – it’s so strange how life carries on around you but you just want to stop the world and scream and I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly.
When you’re feeling up to it, lets have a cuppa and a catch up x x
I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss Jen. I lost my mum 15 years ago and I still often feel the way you describe here. Sending you much love and strength. xx
@Hot Cross Mum: I think that people who have suffered loss all feel like this at some point. It is so shocking really and it hasnt yet sunk in
Oh goodness I am so, so terribly sorry. I sincerely hope that we can all be here to offer you support at what must be a really hard time. Thinking of you xx
I am so so sorry for your terrible loss – sending you a big hug, and am thinking of you xxxx
Oh Jen, it is such a hard time for you and your boys. But I’ve been looking at the pictures of your Mum and your boys and thinking about how proud she looks, and how proud she must be of you to be raising two such lovely lads. Big big hugs. xxx
Oh hunny! I am so, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel and although it’s a horrible, trite thing to say time does help a little. Sending you big hugs and prayers xxx
::hugs::
@Erin: Thank you, I havnt seen you around lately – how are you?
I don’t know how you are still blogging, but I do know what you mean. Someone tutted me today on the train and I wanted to say “Can’t you see I’ve just been at a funeral?”
@Domestic goddesque: I know I can totally understand the vitorians wearing mourning clothes
Big big hugs honey. xx
I know exactly how you feel. I didn’t understand how life could keep going after my dad died, when he wasn’t there anymore. He was the most important person in my life, the only constant at the time. I will never get used to it, I will never come to terms with it but you do learn to live each day without them. Memories keep you going. Hugs x
Your Comments
I am shedding tears with you. My heart goes out to you. I, too, am an orphan. Being without both parents is a milestone in your life that you never want to reach. I lost my mum almost 6 years ago. I lost my dad 35 years ago, when I was a child.
It is one of the toughest things you will ever go through. Hang on. You will come out the other side of the worst of the pain. And, when you do, you will be able to remember your mother with laughter and happiness again.
Take care of yourself and your precious family until this time comes.
xxx
Your CommentsI think when people die, it all comes flooding back. How they were when they were young, what it felt like to be with them 10 20 30 years ago. And all that you lose as well as the way they are now, you are grieving how it feels to be a child without a mother. I know I cling on to the way my parents cherished me as a child and a teenager, even more now that I am older, it becomes clearer to me the ways they cherished me, despite difficulties between us at that time too; I hope you can remember all those little moments with your mother when you were younger, or the pattern that ran through your life together. I think we all try our best, sometimes we don’t succeed in doing our best for those around us for various reasons. Coming to terms with all that is part of the grief, and the pain. You looked after your mother so so well, I don’t think anyone could have done more. And she was so proud of you.
And I think you were proud of her in many ways too, as well as of course loving her.
Just to let you know I am thinking of you. xx
Your Comments
I am so, so sorry – I have just logged on today so hadn’t heard about your devastating loss. I know – honestly I do. Both my parents died so I do know the grief and blackness. In time, your lovely boys will help to lead you to the light again. Love x
Only just seen this post. So, so sorry for what you are going through.