Sometimes I have to sit back and ask myself is it o be broken? After all I have been through and am going through, is it acceptable to have a rant and a pity party every now and then?
I have days, well mostly nights, when the world seems to weigh down so hard on my shoulders. When it seems pretty impossible to put one foot in front of the other, let alone work on identifying my negative thoughts and trying to change them. So sometimes, I cry, sometimes, I sit at the computer and pour out my soul for everyone to read. But in doing this I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If I should be making all my feelings public for people to see. For my boys to come and read in the years to come.
I am not ashamed of the way I feel, I actually think that it is a marvel that we have got to where we are today with mostly happiness and joy, but will my boys feel the same looking back. Will they only remember the days when mum shouted like a fishwife or sat and sobbed when a certain song came on the radio?
What is it about the Internet? What is it that brings together all the broken, strange, lonely, apprehensive and sometimes downright weird people together? What does it make me? I tell myself I am an early adopter and the Google Chrome adverts will have everyone doing this sooner rather than later and then it will be more main stream. I try and fool myself that it is acceptable to put all my thoughts and hopes out there for people to see, but I am not sure.
I am not sure about a lot of things at the moment, I guess uncertainty is following me like a shaddow. Will my up and coming operation make a big difference to my quality of life, will it mean I no longer have to have blood transfushions and can start to try and loose weight? Have we made the right decisions over school for the boys? Is it acceptble to go through life broken and not be contantly trying to fix myself?
These dark nights have a lot to answer for!