Sometimes I have to sit back and ask myself is it o be broken? After all I have been through and am going through, is it acceptable to have a rant and a pity party every now and then?
I have days, well mostly nights, when the world seems to weigh down so hard on my shoulders. When it seems pretty impossible to put one foot in front of the other, let alone work on identifying my negative thoughts and trying to change them. So sometimes, I cry, sometimes, I sit at the computer and pour out my soul for everyone to read. But in doing this I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If I should be making all my feelings public for people to see. For my boys to come and read in the years to come.
I am not ashamed of the way I feel, I actually think that it is a marvel that we have got to where we are today with mostly happiness and joy, but will my boys feel the same looking back. Will they only remember the days when mum shouted like a fishwife or sat and sobbed when a certain song came on the radio?
What is it about the Internet? What is it that brings together all the broken, strange, lonely, apprehensive and sometimes downright weird people together? What does it make me? I tell myself I am an early adopter and the Google Chrome adverts will have everyone doing this sooner rather than later and then it will be more main stream. I try and fool myself that it is acceptable to put all my thoughts and hopes out there for people to see, but I am not sure.
I am not sure about a lot of things at the moment, I guess uncertainty is following me like a shaddow. Will my up and coming operation make a big difference to my quality of life, will it mean I no longer have to have blood transfushions and can start to try and loose weight? Have we made the right decisions over school for the boys? Is it acceptble to go through life broken and not be contantly trying to fix myself?
These dark nights have a lot to answer for!
As you know in your less emotional moments, we’re all broken to some extent – life knocks us around, and there’s always the odd fracture or missing piece, here or there.
I’d be more worried about someone who never admitted to those feelings, who was never able to show vulnerability, or fear, or confusion. Because those are the things that make us human, that make us empathetic and make us better friends, partners and parents.
If writing on the Internet about it works for you, then go for it. I certainly don’t see anything to be fearful or embarrassed about – you’re not ‘fooling yourself’ – you’re just getting by, and I’m sure inspiring a bucket-load of people in the process.
Sally » Yes as usual you speak wise words my friend. I guess I was just having a wobble about putting myself out there
You know, I ask myself some of the same questions and I believe that our children will remember the good and ultimately come to appreciate our honesty when they’re adults.
No one is perfect. We all have broken bits – it’s just that some people’s are tiny cracks, rather than big gaping holes.
Sending lots of hugs and bloggy love you way. =)
Erin Lee » Thanks for the hugs. I know that there would be something wrong if I managed to get to the age I am without some baggage. It is just hard to know where to draw the line
No one is perfect and whole, although that’s a difficult idea for ppl to deal with. and I can’t see anything wrong with sharing online, for many of us it’s the only way to find like minded friends.
Liveotherwise » I understand about the like minded friends. I am a very private person in RL (hard to believe)
I have no idea. I’m broken but I know the reasons and I’m starting Cognitive Hypnotherapy next week which WILL fix me. I hope you find an answer in some of the comments
The Moiderer » I hope that it helps. CBT was the best thing I ever did
Being broken for a while is part of the human condition. Sharing it, however you do that, is a step on the way to repair. If your children read it in the future, they will know how courageous and human you are.
Ellen Arnison » Thanks Ellen. It is hard to know where to draw the line, In RL I am very private, so somethimes I question why I feel OK to put it all out on the internet
I personally think it does the kids good to know life is not always perfect. It helps enable them to cope with lifes knocks later as they get older because no matter how much we want to protect them we wont always be able to.
I know it sounds morbid but I write my blog mainly for my kids and in case they lose me at an early age they will always have my blog to read back on and maybe draw some advice from if they ever need it. I’m 40 and I would love my Mum to have written a blog so I could now turn to her for advice even after she has gone. I think the kids will appreciate our honesty in the future rather than trying to make life appear all pink & fluffy all of the time x
Mama Syder » I started my blog for the boys when I was ill, as I was sure I was going to die and I wanted them to remember the little things we did together, so I don not think you are morbid at all.
Your CommentsIt’s quite rare nowadays to get the chance to share one’s hopes and fears. Maybe people used to talk differently before, maybe there was time when people prayed together, or worked together in the home or outside the home, to be honest.
I get outpourings of emotion from friends on the phone, in the street, at the school gate, suddenly as we come out of church. They all want to talk about their worries. But for the most part I would say they were happy..it doesn’t stop all of us having these desperate feelings that need expression.
I love reading what you think. I don’t think you are weird. I was just reading for first time, Pilgrim’s Progress, (children’s edition) I think JB felt much the same as you. And HE wrote about it.
I think our kids know what we go through whether we tell them or not. There’s no pretending with children. But if we don’t blame them when we are down, or make them responsible for our pain, that’s part of the battle.
swanbythelakeside » Your comment as always makes me feel much better, you are very wise my friend. Children are very perceptive and will figure it out anyway
I was basically going to say what Sally has already said. It wouldn’t seem normal if you didn’t have these worries and thoughts, sweety. *hugs* xx
Marylin » Thanks Marylin. Is anyone normal and what is normal anyway?
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I sure hope it’s OK. Thanks for your post, I’ve just linked to you and quoted you as your post popped up in my twitter stream just as I was trying to get those very words out myself. Thank you Jen. You are not alone x
Louisa » Thank you Louisa and thanks for hte link. It is hard finding the right balance
I think about this a lot too. I still haven’t come up with an answer.
So sorry you’re having such a rough time. xx
Deer Baby » I am not sure about there being a right answer. I guess it is a first generation internet thing!
Sometimes I think we have to reach a low part so that we can climb up again and peak – and have happiness. But then we strive for higher peaks so end up being satisfied with plateaus.
I think it’s good for our kids to see that life isn’t a bed of roses all the time – but they will make their own minds up about their childhood and no matter what we, as parents, do to influence that, the brain retains odd snippets of information.
Nickie » I understand about the highs and lows and I do try and find joy in the everyday and mostly do. I just wonder if blogging about the bad things gives them more power, makes them appear more frequent that they really are.
I think your boys will look back at your blog one day and be very proud that you’re their Mum x
Cass@frugalfamily » Thanks Cass, as someone who knows me in RL, I think that is what I wanted to hear
Lows are a part of life that we can’t ignore and they add to experiences we need to go through in order to change. They also help put things in perspective, help prioritise what’s important. I love online interaction because it’s taught me that I’m never alone.
Crystal Jigsaw » I know that I am bever alone, but do still wonder what sort of message it is leaving for my boys
Jen, Sally knows you very well and I think her comment to you is a very helpful one.
I’ve seen you with your boys. Of course they will know how difficult life is for you at times and they will feel for you, but what they will feel more than anything else is the love you have for them. You’re a wonderfully warm, amazing lady and I, for one, adore you. And so do those boys. You’re doing a fabulous job. Hang in there on the days when life seems harder and be kind to yourself. xxx
Rosie Scribble » Thanks Rosie. I just wonder if blogging about the bad things gives them more weight, if that makes sense. I am very ordinary and that is fine, that is what I want to be
You sound like a wonderful family unit, from reading your blog you are clearly a wonderful mum. I was hoping it was normal to shout at your kids (not all the time but sometimes) and it is certainly normal to worry about the choices you make for your children.
And to do all of this and cope with the problems that you have experienced leaves me in awe!
Seek support where you can, share what is comfortable for you but most of all believe that you are doing an excellent job x
Kim » Thank you foe the kind comment Kim. Family is all important to me and I need to find ways to cope with the things life deals at us without taking it out too much on the boys. It can be such a hard balacing act at times
Yes! We all are to some extent – that is what makes us real in this world where no one is perfect and we all have issues. We work through them as needed. It’s most important to feel comfortable in your own skin at the end of the day.
You have a big heart; you share wisdom, inspire and seek advice like many of us in this online space and as long as you feel comfortable doing so I say go for it. And if there is a day where you don’t that is okay too. But you have nothing to be ashamed of here, only to be proud of xx
Tanya (Bump2Basics) » I just wonder if I am comfortable with sharing it, It seems so right at the time, but then I wonder about what my children will think when they come back to read it (if they choose to) in the future. It is hard to know what to do for the best
Huge big hugs to you. We all feel like this I am sure, as long as we have more good days than bad ones we are on the right track. I think your boys will see how hard you work at being the best mother you can with all you go through and have been through. They will be proud of everything you write, it shows you are human and not super woman. x
broken is a fine place to be for a while so long as the plan to get whole is slowly ticking away.
always thinking of you
Yes it is okay to be broken, to have a voice, and to ask for help.
This is a long journey my love, and i am holding your hand through it.
I like to listen to a song of my favorite band/singer/writer (everything you name) It’s melody and lyrics make me feel understood. “Everybody’s broken” You can here and read it here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCtDMRMGTjM Keep on the good work in the mad house!! You’re the voice of those who don’t blog, but see their lives in your words! 😉
Nancy Ruiz » Thank you for such a lovely comment. It really is appreciated