The news and Internet is filled with this is the best way to parent and this is the best way to be a mum and in my experience often it is other woman, other mothers who are hardest and most judgemental of all.
Why is this? I have come to the conclusion (and I am not saying that it is right) is that they are feeling insecure themselves over their own decisions and feel the need to vindicate themselves often by judging other peoples decisions.
It needs to stop right here, right now. We need to start supporting other woman, other mothers, we need to take time out to think about why they have made their decision and what are their motivations and stop imposing our thoughts and lifestyles on to other people.
So what if I decided to be a stay at home mum for the first 5 years of my boys life, that was my choice, my sacrifices that were made and ultimately my decision, I am not asking you to agree, but you don’t have to judge me for it.
The same goes for working mums, we do what we do to keep ourselves and our families sane. It might not be right for everyone, but I for one am glad that it isn’t. What would the world be like if we all did the same things for the same reasons.
Life is tough, it is hard and there are plenty of hurdles that we have to clear without adding to them with this I am better than you or you are not doing the best by your child by doing that.
So who is with me, lets start supporting other mothers, rather than being judgemental.
Well said.
We’re all just trying to do what we think is best for our families.
Here bloody here! (or is it Hear bloody hear??) 😉
Absolutely. Well said Jen.
Excellent! What your saying is exactly what Parental Circle is all about. We don’t like bashing either we want everyone to help each other
BRAVO!
Absolutely!
Well said x
Absolutely, my dear! Well said. x
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Agree totally, but we do need to be able to discuss different approaches to mothering and parenting, but crucially without criticising and without judging x
Amen to all that!
BNM
The flip-side of this point is that mothers need to have the confidence in their own parenting skills and judgements not to feel pressurised by the ‘we know the best way’ gang. There are very few things that are black and white. Have the courage to look them in the eye and say: I know the best way for my children, thank you.
@midlife singlemum: Thanks for the comment, I agree with you that new mothers need confidence in their own parenting skills and I believe that I had unrealistic expectations of the birth and first weeks of a baby. I went to an NCT class and the only time c-sections were mentioned were in a negative way. I had to have a crash section and oh I felt terrible and a failure and I am sure the other mums on the course felt the same way as me. They all had natural births and said that they were under the impression I had done something wrong to need a section!
I like to hear about how other people parent. Sometimes I pick up really useful ideas that help our family a lot, other times I know something wouldn’t work for my kids. I think it’s important to be able to talk to other parents about how what we do and when, without having to worry about the other people judging us.
@Jacq: I am with you so much, as a first time mum, I had no realistic idea at all. I had been to NCT classes and the only discussions on c-sections were negative and I felt like such a failure for ending up with a crash section. I often wish that I hadnt been to them at all, at least that way I wouldnt have had this idealistic view of birth and the first weeks in my head. I love to share my ideas, but without judgement or without smugness – I hope! Thanks for the comment
Too right!! Thanks for reminding us. XX
Yep I am completely with you Jen. There is far too much in-fighting.
Mich x
If you are the sort of mum who worries you ‘aren’t being a good mum’ – that usually means you ARE a good mum. “We know best” people don’t know YOUR kid best, [they know other stuff] but that is what YOU know – so love your kids and do what YOU believe is best for them!
there are a million ways to be a Mum and what is right for one may be all wrong for another.
so lets have more encouragement and support and less judgement and criticism!!
So true Jen, so true. Just as soon as everyone realises that we don’t all have to do the same thing – there isn’t one way that is right for everyone the better. Then we can all stop expecting other people to validate our own choices (by doing the same thing) and learn to celebrate the difference and diversity of ways of doing this incredibly different job.
Hear hear! I don’t understand why women don’t support each other….all the judging is just white noise that doesn’t do anyone any good. A little bit of support can go a long way there really is no “right” way to be a mother and it is so important to find a balance that fits in with our individual lives.
To the extent that you hope we moms will be more civil and understanding, compassionate, with each other, I agree. The bits about not judging and about how different things are right for different families, however, can be dangerous. Most obviously, you have to use judgement to determine what to do for your family. You might counter that your decision is only right for your family, and for minor things like bedtimes, that works. But as you move to bigger things, then everyone from individual moms to whole societies have to take a stand on what is right and wrong. For instance, others might think that beating a whiny kid is right for their family, or treating their daughters more strictly than their sons, or keeping their infants on a vegan diet, that those are right decisions for their family. Taking the inspiration for this post, the Tiger Mother kerfuffle, such intense mothering has a lot to explain in its connection to things like Asian American suicide rates. We should heap scorn on terrible ideas, though I will grant that we should focus more on calling the idea garbage than the mom, a distinction once lost on the mom in question.
@AHLondon: The thing is who are we to judge others, how do we know that a vegan diet isn’t OK for an infant, especially if supplements are being given? I am the first to speak up if I feel that a child is being abused and I have spoke to the school about one such child, but I agonised over my decision, was I doing the right thing? What if I had misinterpreted the sign? In the end I did what I felt was right, but I can not judge someone for choosing to smack their child just because I don’t (beating is a different matter).
I am so with you on calling the idea wrong, rather than the person. Being a mum is such a hard job, we should feel supported by our peers and be able to ask for support and help.
Hear hear! We are very fortunate really to have choices. There are lots of ways to be a good mum.
I am so with you!
Being a parent is tough enough – we shouldn’t be making it even harder xxx
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