My Mum shaped hole 22

The more I mother, the more I respect and appreciate my own mother.  The more I mother, the more I want to tell her just how much my opinion of her has changed.

But the gap she has left in my life is more than that.  I want to ask questions. Was I really as bad as Mini at getting to and staying asleep.  Is Maxi as precocious as I was?


But both my parents are dead.  My died died in 2000 and never met his grandsons and my Mum has been gone over four years now.

For a long time the pain I felt was all consuming. I was angry. I was an orphan. All I saw was rain.

But now I am starting to see rainbows.


I see my teaching the boys to cook and bake just like she taught me.  I see her reflection in shop windows when I walk past. I hear her voice in the phrases I say and words I use not only to scold, but to express my love and joy too.

My mum shaped hole is changing.  It isn’t getting smaller as I thought it would, the size remains the same, but the shape differs.  I still long to talk to her, no that is not quite right, I long to listen to her.  To hear her voice, but also take in every word she is saying.

Mom shaped hole

I wish we had had more grown up conversations. That she could see the boys growing and developing and that she could give me parenting advice that I could ignore!

But more than that I wish her Grandsons could know her more.  She was such a powerful and positive influence in their young lives.  She loved her three grandchildren with such passion and confessed to enjoying being a Grandparent more than she did a parent!

Maxi's christening

It is not often I allow myself the luxury of what if’s, they are hollow and often of no comfort at all.  But I think she would be proud of us, my little family. I think she would be proud of me for fashioning a career out of writing and blogging. A career that allows me to spend precious time with my children and husband.

As Mother’s Day approaches I hope that she is proud of the mother she made me, fo I am her echo.

To all the motherless this mothers day, may you too see rainbows where previously there has been only rain.

What helps me when I really miss my Mum

  • Sometimes nothing but a big old sob!
  • Getting out and having a walk often helps.
  • I sometimes buy her favorite flowers and pop them next to her picture and talk at her.
  • Remembering the good times.
  • A cup of tea and a chat with my best friend always helps.

For anyone suffering a more recent loss, then read this fab post by Ruth at She eat clean.

Droplets On a Glass

22 thoughts on “My Mum shaped hole

  • Ruth

    Jen, I feel honoured to be linked in such a beautiful post. Just look at your Mummy! Such a smiley, compassionate lovely lady. I hope your favourite flowers are at the ready and you have some QT with your gorgeous family planned this weekend.

  • Lindsey Kettle

    Jen, this is a lovely post. It sums up exactly how I feel, but I have never had the courage or ability to write about it. I lost my mum to a brain tumor 3 years ago and it is the knowledge that she won’t see my kids grow up or be able to give me advice that breaks my heart. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this really struck a chord with me, it’s a lovely post, and I am really glad you published it :)x

  • Cass@frugalfamily

    Oh Jen, I really feel it too – especially at this time of year.

    I’ve written a letter to my Mum and was planning on publishing it tomorrow but I think I’ve changed my mind to be honest. It’s a bit too private I think x x

  • Cherished By Me

    I wrote similar recently, and I was just telling my daughter the other day how I keep jumping when I look in the mirror as I am getting to look more and more like my mum.

    So many questions I wish I’d asked her and now I will never know, that takes my breath away. 🙁

    Lovely post Jen xxx

  • Laura

    Jen, this post is so lovely. Thank you for sharing. I lost my dad last year and the hurt never really goes away. You’re a wonderful mother and your mom is watching you and so proud!

  • Louise

    Such a lovely post even if it has made me cry. I am sure that she would be very proud of you. I’ve found losing my MIL hard and feel these things about her. X

  • agatapokutycka

    What a lovely and touching post just in time for Mothers Day. I am sure your Mum is very proud of you and she is watching over you and your family every moment of every day.

  • Rachel

    Such a lovely post and I can’t imagine how hard it is, but in each one of those photos, your mum looks so incredibly happy and proud x

  • Susan Mann

    I cried so many tears reading this, I couldn’t comment until today. Your mum is so proud of you. You are an amazing mum & a credit to her. You both look so alike x

  • Anna

    It’s always nice to read stories from other ‘motherless mothers’ at anytime of year. I like your description of finding rainbows… That is exactly how it feels & we get there thanks to our little ones, eh? Such is life. Thank you for sharing & happy Mother’s Day!

  • Ness

    I was brought up by my nan so I know exactly how you feel. I only ever had one grandparent. Until I went to university I even shared a bedroom with her. In two weeks it will have been nine years since I lost her and the pain and grief never leaves me. I can only be thankful that I have a couple of hours alone each morning so I can cry alone.

  • Helen @actuallyblog

    Gosh it’s emotional isn’t it? Parenting, the loss of a parent, all of it just wrings us out. This is a lovely post and I can feel your love of her in your words. Hope your day was happy x

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