The more I mother, the more I respect and appreciate my own mother. The more I mother, the more I want to tell her just how much my opinion of her has changed.
But the gap she has left in my life is more than that. I want to ask questions. Was I really as bad as Mini at getting to and staying asleep. Is Maxi as precocious as I was?
But both my parents are dead. My died died in 2000 and never met his grandsons and my Mum has been gone over four years now.
For a long time the pain I felt was all consuming. I was angry. I was an orphan. All I saw was rain.
But now I am starting to see rainbows.
I see my teaching the boys to cook and bake just like she taught me. I see her reflection in shop windows when I walk past. I hear her voice in the phrases I say and words I use not only to scold, but to express my love and joy too.
My mum shaped hole is changing. It isn’t getting smaller as I thought it would, the size remains the same, but the shape differs. I still long to talk to her, no that is not quite right, I long to listen to her. To hear her voice, but also take in every word she is saying.
I wish we had had more grown up conversations. That she could see the boys growing and developing and that she could give me parenting advice that I could ignore!
But more than that I wish her Grandsons could know her more. She was such a powerful and positive influence in their young lives. She loved her three grandchildren with such passion and confessed to enjoying being a Grandparent more than she did a parent!
It is not often I allow myself the luxury of what if’s, they are hollow and often of no comfort at all. But I think she would be proud of us, my little family. I think she would be proud of me for fashioning a career out of writing and blogging. A career that allows me to spend precious time with my children and husband.
As Mother’s Day approaches I hope that she is proud of the mother she made me, fo I am her echo.
To all the motherless this mothers day, may you too see rainbows where previously there has been only rain.
What helps me when I really miss my Mum
- Sometimes nothing but a big old sob!
- Getting out and having a walk often helps.
- I sometimes buy her favorite flowers and pop them next to her picture and talk at her.
- Remembering the good times.
- A cup of tea and a chat with my best friend always helps.
For anyone suffering a more recent loss, then read this fab post by Ruth at She eat clean.