“Date Nights”, do you have them? Are they a new fangled thing? I don’t remember my mum and dad setting aside a regular night to spend time with each other. I do remember them going out, I remember sitting on the edge of my Mum’s bed as she put her face on, tonged her hair (and always did my fringe) and sprayed her perfume, Armani by Armani.
Fast forward thirty odd years and I have two children of my own and have been married twenty years and I don’t have date nights with my husband (or anyone else for that matter)! .
Does this mean my marriage is on it’s way out? I hope not. Before children (a time known as BC) we went out a lot.
We were married ten years before Max came along and I can count on two hands the number of nights out we have had since he was born. It isn’t that I don’t like the sound of two or three hours alone time with the husbeast perhaps watching a movie at the cinema or having a meal that I haven’t cooked, but I don’t think it is the date nights that will keep my marriage alive, it is the time between them that is key.
Why I don’t have date nights with my husband
We believe in getting the kids to bed and then spending time with each other most nights. We pop on a DVD or listen to music and chat about our day and mundane things.
We believe in not keeping secrets. We tell each other pretty much everything and always have.
Our marriage is strong because we have earned each others trust. Something that is not worth sacrificing for anything.
We work hard at not fighting in front of the boys, but we do have arguments, we call them disagreements and know that this is normal. We are not scared to go to sleep on a disagreements. Sometimes we need to have a decent night’s sleep to have put things into perspective!
We have comfortable silences. We don’t feel the need to fill any empty gap with small talk. We enjoy sitting next to each other without making small talk.
So I don’t believe that date nights will save my marriage (not that it needs saving). I know that it is concentrating on our marriage whilst we are in the house that is why it is so strong, that it has survived the ups and downs. We will still enjoy a night out here and there and I love a good cocktail, but I do not need to put my marriage in my diary or my husband for that matter to remind me to spend time with him. I spend time with him everyday. I make my marriage my priority.
I agree- it is those moments between date nights that are the most important – the realising that you have everything you need in the one that you are with and not taking them or that relationship for granted. Well done on your strong and happy marriage. I do however, love a date night on those occasions we get one!! x
we are the same and don’t have regular date nights – possibly more because we also don’t have a regular babysitter than because we wouldn’t like them. Communication is vital in a healthy marriage and so is the odd disagreement. xx
This is very refreshing. I know a lot of people that have bought into this date night idea as it has been publicised so much over the past few years. It is nice to have a night out with your partner but many people have taken this date night idea to be a stressful one. I’ve known some people think their relationship is doomed if they have aimed for one date night per week and have only, realistically, been able to have one per month. It sounds like you have a much healthier attitude to marriage.
We don’t do the date night thing either, but we do spend 5-6 evenings a week together. We usually watch TV or talk. At the weekends there’s wine too.
We don’t have regular date nights, but sometimes – if we do go out together in an evening – I realise how nice it is to be just the two of us away from home, the computer (!) and kids. I think a balance is good, but what’s key is communication and making sure you do spend time together. Interesting post.
We don’t have date nights but we do look forward to our evenings together once the kids in bed 🙂
I wrote about this very thing a while ago and I am totally with you on this! We don’t do date nights either and never have done, we may go out on the odd occasion, or go to the cinema, or go shopping and have a lunch out but we don’t look through our diaries and pencil in when and where we are going. My hubby works shifts so is not always here in the evenings but can be around on a day off during the week and so we have time without kids on a natural basis. We have been married 21 years and still going strong…………..so we must be doing something right 🙂
I love this post! I think you’re right! And not keeping secrets is the main thing IMO. Putting on a DVD or listening to music is so relaxing, too. I also agree that a marriage doesn’t need to be put in a diary! xx
We don’t have date nights either. We like to put some music on in the background and just chat about everything and anything over a cuppa once the kids are in bed x
So true, date nights will not save a marriage if most of the time spent together is not used to build the relationship.xx
I don’t like the term “date nights” as you a married not dating. We rarely go out, prefering to snuggle up on the sofa but it is nice to get out without the kids every now and again
i have to say me and my husband never get us time and with 7 kids and oanother on the way its rare thought that we may get some later too lol, we do however get to enjoy cuddles and time as a family which is important to us
I agree with what you are saying. The strength of a marriage is built throughout your daily life and not by the occasional trip to the cinema. Although these dates are lovely to have we don’t need to pencil in time to spend together we do that everyday as part of our lives.
We have date nights but purely for the fact we like going out and doing things together just the 2 of us its not the end of the world if we don’t and doesn’t make our marriage any better or worse for it
We don’t have date nights either, it feels very childish to me.
We go out and we have time together but we are married and been together for almost 15 years, dating if for kids
We don’t do date nights either, we have only been together four years and in that time we have had two children, plus I already have an older daughter. We have the odd very rare meal out somewhere nice without the children once in a while but we just love having days out with are children making memories. I totally agree with you that it is not something that should be scheduled into the diary as you should enjoy and want to spend any spare time you can together, just doing normal things like watching tv or talking about are days. That to me is what makes relationships work by being a team and friends and always being there for one another not a night scheduled into the diary each week xx
I agree that it’s really important to cherish the time you spend with your partner, and not take it for granted. We do rarely get the chance to go out together, and I miss that! I’m hoping that our date nights will return one day, though. I couldn’t get away with calling a night in a date night – that would just feel weird to me. Great post, I love the way it’s written from the heart.
We don’t have them either. Like you, we were together for a while before starting a family – 12 years – so we had lots of date nights before the kids. We’re happy relaxing together of an evening, laughing together, or just comfortably sitting ignoring each other for an hour or two! The odd night out is nice, though.
Couldn’t agree with you more. I totally hate the idea of a contrived ‘date night’. I’d feel under immense pressure to enjoy myself
I don’t have kids but me and the OH don’t really do date nights – we do things when we feel like it but don’t put aside a certain day each week. x
I have to disagree a tad. While my husband and I don’t do date nights, I DO feel like our marriage would benefit from them. We have 3 young children who don’t believe in sleep, and in addition to the usual never ending household tasks, we added on to our home last year and are still in the finishing process. So it is very rare that we have a silent evening or a chance to lounge and watch a movie. We stay up until midnight just to spend 15 minutes together. So while I agree that in some cases the extra effort to make a date night is kind of pointless, some couples DO need to carve out that time. It doesn’t mean their marriage is any less of a priority.
Really enjoyed this article and agree with what you’re saying! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a ‘date night’, there is also nothing wring with not having it. I think there is a pressure to go on dates (I’m pretty sure it’s an American import) and if you don’t, there must be something worng with your marriage. I’m definately at my most happiest on the sofa with my man and even the little man squished in between us, and when we do get time together, even better!
Lots of wisdom in this post! Nice to discover your blog!