Realising that two will be all I have 34

The boys went back to school this morning.  Part of me feels as though you have ripped off a body part and that I am walking round with some part of me missing.  I feel like this after every holiday.  I always have so much fun with my children when they are off school.  They are good company and we enjoy being a family and hope that long may it last and that they choose to spend time with me and their dad.

I often wish that we had more children.  I know that my family doesn’t feel as though it is complete, but I also know that these two amazing boys are the only children I am going to be blessed with.  However, things could have been so different.

I am not one for dwelling on the past and the might have, could have or would have been, but times like this make me all melancholy and I remember the possibilities that never were and the children that were never born.  It sweeps over me unexpectedly.  Then to top it all off, I have just read a moving post by Muddling along mummy and it resonated within my soul.

You see, long before Maxi was born we experienced the horror of losing twins at 20 weeks pregnancy, a molar pregnancy and also the loss of a child at 16 weeks.  We decided that we could cope with the fear, uncertainty and pain that came with children and just lived our lives to the full and then to our surprise many years later Maxi came along, followed fifteen months later by Mini.  We were overjoyed and then I fell pregnant again when Mini was 3 months old, but this time we were not successful and at 13 weeks lost another possible child.  This loss was devastating, I had been touched by the joy that was my children, I understood the potential in the life I had lost.

Then our life took a massive turn and we made the hard decision to have my ovaries removed, so that I could reduce the risk of contracting cancer.  I signed the death warrant on any future children.

But I have learned over the years, that it is better to be here to look after and be with the two wonderful children I have than take a risk.  I do not think I would be strong enough to go through the pain and heartache again.

So today I am thinking about the children that are not destined to be with me, but I am going to pick myself up, brush myself off and collect the two I have from school with a smile on my face, drinks in my pocket and then take them to the park to celebrate the end of the first day back at school.

Tots100 Heart Prints Blog Carnival

I have wrote this post as part of the Tots100  Saying Goodbye heart prints carnival

34 thoughts on “Realising that two will be all I have

  • snafflesmummmy

    Oh Jen, I do not think I knew this. Your boys are gorgeous and a real credit to you both but I know that no matter how amazing things are in your life that if you do not feel complete that is a feeling you just cant shake.

    Loving their back to school posing too.

    Sending you a huge hug and some virtual hugs and chocolate.

    • Jen Walshaw

      snafflesmummmy » That means a lot about the boys, from someone who has met them and know them. I will take that chocolate, thanks

  • claire

    Love the pics of the boys, that just how I picture them when think of them!

    I’m pragmatic about things nowadays and tend to think that life is just how its meant to be; you were meant to be the best mum to Mini and Maxi and devote all your time and attention to them and thats how its meant to be. You are here to look after them and thats the main and most important thing. I do know how you feel though and can totally empathise, sometimes its important to reflect but not to dwell on what might have been. Remind me I said this!!

    Hugs xxx

    • Jen Walshaw

      claire » Oh yes, try to get a pic of the boys not larking around isn’t easy, but that is them! I think I was very lucky in that I processed a lot of the emotion at the time, due to the nature of my losses I received counselling, which made a big difference. I am also of the opinion that there is no point sweating the stuff you can not change

  • Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy

    Whew, and breathe. I read this with an ache in my heart. Our friends lost their baby this week at 34wks and I hadn’t heard of saying goodbye before but I will pass them the details if they feel able to speak to them.

    Your boys are gorgeous and I love the outtake shots, they sum up two cheeky boys perfectly.

    Lovely post

    • Jen Walshaw

      Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy » I am so sorry for the loss your friends have suffered and yes, my boys are very cheeky indeed!

    • Jen Walshaw

      notsupermum » It is not something that I shout about. I think that the wounds run deep and I was a very lucky lady and that I received grief counselling after the events. But I have a fab family and I love them all

  • Julie

    So much to deal with, Jen. I can imagine and understand some of what you feel but you have had an awful lot to cope with. As you say you have to live for the two wonderful boys you do have – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve for what you don’t have. Juliex

    • Jen Walshaw

      Julie » I know you have been through difficult times too Julie. I was very lucky and received help after the losses, which made me realise that I needed to focus on the things I could change and not wonder why all the time.

  • Very Bored in Catalunya

    I can remember your words of kindness to me when I too suffered a molar pregnancy, but I didn’t realise that you had been through so much. Children are such an amazing blessing and it often feels like the people who have so much to give as parents are the ones who lose out at times like this.


    • Jen Walshaw

      Very Bored in Catalunya » Life can be a true bitch, but it makes you stronger. I remember your suffering too

  • Susanne@babyhuddle

    I’m so sorry to read this. Having been in a similar position once before, I know only too well the strange kind of pain you feel. When I look at the children I have, I know they wouldn’t be here if the one I lost had made it instead. Its a strange feeling but it doesn’t make the loss any more painful at all.Big hugs, thanks for sharing.

    • Jen Walshaw

      Susanne@babyhuddle » I can understand that feeling, I think that everything happens for a reason

  • Emma

    A very moving post. We too have made the decision not to have anymore children, but for different reasons. We made the decision only a few weeks ago because we aren’t sure I’d survive pregnancy or childbirth again. It’s such a tough decision. Every time I look at my beautiful children I have so much love in my heart but as they pass milestones I know there are experiences I will never have again. At the end of the day, its because of how much we love our children that we make these decisions. I can only imagine how hard this decision must be having suffered so many losses. I have experienced two miscarriages, but they were very early on (6 weeks) and you can’t help but dwell occasionally. Just for a second before returning to what you have.

    Big hugs for this brave and honest post. Xx

    • Jen Walshaw

      Emma » Emma I know how hard a decision that is. I was very ill with the two pregnancies that went to 37 and 38 weeks (my boys). There is nothing wrong with thinking about these things. I have learnt that I need to expend my energies on the things I can change rather than the ones out of my reach. Thank you very much for your comment

  • Louise

    Oh Jen, I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, you have really been through it but it is good you have a fantastic supportive network around you. You have to focus on the positives and enjoy the two amazing boys you have, which you are doing. Big hugs and stay strong xxxxx

    • Jen Walshaw

      Louise » Thank Louise. Just to put things in to perspective this was a long time ago, I have been married 17 Years!

  • Sarah

    I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered and admire your strength and positivity in making the most of the blessings you have. I hope they had a wonderful first day back at school – and a specially nice time after at the park with you xx

    • Jen Walshaw

      Sarah » Thank you for your comment. We had a wonderful time at the park and I counted my blessings

  • Molly - Mother's Always Right

    Beautifully touching and moving post Jen. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure the utter horror of losing your babies. I’ve never been through this experience so can’t say I know how you feel, but I worried about losing F every single day throughout my pregnancy with her. I know I want more babies one day, but I also know there’s a fear of losing them before they’ve even entered the world – something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get away from. When I was pregnant, I remember looking at other pregnant ladies with envy, thinking “Why can’t I just relax and take it for granted that my baby will be OK?” But I just couldn’t. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Those are beautiful photos of your boys by the way, they’re a real credit to you. xxxx

    • Jen Walshaw

      Molly – Mother’s Always Right » I have to say that I have learned to sweat the stuff you can change. What will be will be with pregnancies and nothing you can do will ever change that. A counceller one told me that in the event of a plane crass flapping your arms and fretting about it couldn’t keep that plane in the sky, so best not expend any energy on it. It stuck with me!

  • Gillian

    Oh Jen, what a beautiful, moving post. So much loss, and to lose babies so far into pregnancy – my heart goes out to you. Your boys are beautiful and I am sure they bring you much joy and laughter. Your blog always gives the impression of a busy, loving, happy family.

    I think for many women there is always that pull of one more child, the “what ifs”. A good friend of mine, at 42, is coming to terms with the fact that they will be a one child family and it has been very hard for her. But you, and she, are blessed with gorgeous, healthy, happy children. 🙂 Sending bloggy hugs to you. xx

  • Muddling Along

    Oh Jen I’m so sorry – counting blessings is a good thing but it doesn’t completely take away the other babies that stand behind the ones you can hold in the shadows and reminding you of how you family might have looked if things had turned out differently

    Thank you for sharing and sending my love x

  • wendy

    Jen what a beautiful post, sending you big hugs. I am sorry that you have gone through all the pain and loss. It’s one of those emotions you never get over. You are a fantastic mum and your boys are a credit xx

    • Jen Walshaw

      Tanya (Bump2Basics) » Thank you for your comment. I hope you and yours are getting along well and had a great summer

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