The boys went back to school this morning. Part of me feels as though you have ripped off a body part and that I am walking round with some part of me missing. I feel like this after every holiday. I always have so much fun with my children when they are off school. They are good company and we enjoy being a family and hope that long may it last and that they choose to spend time with me and their dad.
I often wish that we had more children. I know that my family doesn’t feel as though it is complete, but I also know that these two amazing boys are the only children I am going to be blessed with. However, things could have been so different.
I am not one for dwelling on the past and the might have, could have or would have been, but times like this make me all melancholy and I remember the possibilities that never were and the children that were never born. It sweeps over me unexpectedly. Then to top it all off, I have just read a moving post by Muddling along mummy and it resonated within my soul.
You see, long before Maxi was born we experienced the horror of losing twins at 20 weeks pregnancy, a molar pregnancy and also the loss of a child at 16 weeks. We decided that we could cope with the fear, uncertainty and pain that came with children and just lived our lives to the full and then to our surprise many years later Maxi came along, followed fifteen months later by Mini. We were overjoyed and then I fell pregnant again when Mini was 3 months old, but this time we were not successful and at 13 weeks lost another possible child. This loss was devastating, I had been touched by the joy that was my children, I understood the potential in the life I had lost.
Then our life took a massive turn and we made the hard decision to have my ovaries removed, so that I could reduce the risk of contracting cancer. I signed the death warrant on any future children.
But I have learned over the years, that it is better to be here to look after and be with the two wonderful children I have than take a risk. I do not think I would be strong enough to go through the pain and heartache again.
So today I am thinking about the children that are not destined to be with me, but I am going to pick myself up, brush myself off and collect the two I have from school with a smile on my face, drinks in my pocket and then take them to the park to celebrate the end of the first day back at school.