Being a parent can be a slog. I am not going to lie there are times when I find mothering a monotony. Now do not get me wrong, I adore my children and have come to know that I was born to be a parent, but heck there have been days and even months when I have wanted to tear my hair out over thinking about cooking yet another meal or wiping another bottom (thankfully baby days and toddler days are long gone). Kids thrive on routine, well at least mine do. They like to know what we are having for dinner, what time is lunch and Maxi likes to be […]
I am a the cat’s pyjamas You can not have a champagne lifestyle on a larger income Less is more You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream – C.S Lewis Sew a little love into every stitch That life is not a one way journey, you can make turns and even go backwards if you chose. Being wonky is good The sum is greater than the parts Fairy lights are for all year round, not just christmas Family is EVERYTHING Most things can be healed by spending time with children That I am not the only person in the world to have a stationery and washi […]
There have been times when I have screamed at the top of my lungs to an empty beach “why me? What have we done to you? Why do I have to pout up with all this shit?”. There have been times when I have had to lock myself in the loo to hide the tears from my boys, haven’t they seen enough suffering in their short lives?
Then I read a blog like Ashley’s and it reminds me that life is all about choices, bot just the ones we actively chose to make, but the ones we chose to ignore too. It is my choice to make the most out of each and every day, to believe the universe will provide and that we live everyday, not survive it, but enjoy it. That I am going to chose joy. That I am going to embrace my family and journey with them ever forward and yes I might be scared, but I will always travel my path with dignity, my husband and boys by my side and a heart filled with optimism and love.
I am going to try and live in the hear and now and watch my children with their joyous abandon and let its infectiousness rub off on me. I am going to make time for my husband and our marriage and I am going to enjoy reclaiming some me time and finding some inner peace amongst the white noise of everyday life. I am going to do once thing everyday and do it well.
I am choosing joy.
Earlier in the week I attended the funeral of a woman who inspired and nurtured me as a teen. She died on Christmas Eve, just like my mum last year and it was a pretty surreal experience. She had been ill for a short while, even so her death came as a complete shock to me, some people you think are just invincible.
I do not think that there are enough words in this world to describe the inspirational woman, who has left us all. There was not even standing room at the funeral and when the whole of the congregation stood to sing Don Williams, You’re my best friend I could almost feel her stood smiling on insisting that we were not flat and to sign from our tummy. I managed to hold it together right until the end when Her husband Johnnie stood as they played Marty Robbins, My Woman, my Woman my Wife, everyone then clapped as they closed the curtains at the crematorium.
I used to be a control freak, a planner, an organiser and have always needed to be in charge. I am very good at planning and getting things done, hence the fact that I manage projects. However, over the years since I had my children and worked on my depression I have learnt that perfectionists are more likely to suffer with depression and that I have to let go.
Normally over the summer holidays I would make sure we had activities planned in for each day. I would make sure that we had a schedule and an itinerary to ensure that the boys were kept busy and I was kept in my comfort zone. However this year due to recovering from my operation and lots of other reasons I couldn’t make these plans, so we had to wing it and I had to learn to let go. It was such a hard learning curve, but has taught me some great life lessons.
Sometimes life is hard, sometimes I struggle to just see clearly through the fog that is the shroud of my day to day activities. Sometimes when you add in to it pain, recovery and recouperation it is hard to see much past the end of my arm, let alone to the coming weeks and months.
I underwent pretty major surgery on Friday 1 July and anticipated that I would be fine and well and back out of the hospital over the weekend. Oh how wrong was I. I finally was realised the following Friday at 9.30pm after much discussions and some tears on my part as I was missing my family. My surgery was much more complex than originally anticipated and has meant that I am unable to eat solid food for approximately another four weeks and am very much in pain, however, those of you with young children will understand when I say that they have no understanding of concept gentle.
I have been trying to keep myself busy these last few weeks. Trying to avoid the feeling that has been building in my chest, the rising emptiness that has permeated my whole being. I dare not stop, I dare not let this feeling invade for the tears will start to fall and I fear that they may never stop.
Perspective, yes that is what I have needed. It is hard to admit that I am still grieving, that I am scared and that I am so frightened at the moment. That living my life can be so bloody hard. That sometimes the fear paralyses me, that I want to curl up in a little ball and not to go on.
In homage to the very nice Its a small world after all, I have decided to do a short list of things I have learnt this week That Mini’s current favorite animal is a fox That Maxi loves crab meat That neither of the boys are ready to ride their bikes without stabilisers That the roofing company appointed by the Insurance company still haven’t got the parts to fix the conservatory That 1 in 6 under 16s in the UK do not have breakfast That there is definitely something about a full moon that makes the minis go madder than usual. That MadDad is my rock That life goes on….. This […]
I don’t know what to say and it is not often that I am stuck for words. I want to say a big thank you for all my friends in the big wide world for all the support, love and kind messages over the last few weeks. However, thank you just doesn’t seem enough. Some of you I have met in person, some of you I have never met in real life at all, but you have all played a very big part in keeping me sane recently. I want to say the biggest thank you to my sister in law, who I am still getting to know and the parts […]