I usually thrive on pressure, at least I did BC (Before Children), but now I am not so sure.
I think maybe I was being optimistic about looking for a part time job, as it seems that mum is not going to get back on her feet so easily this time and it looks as though I am going to have to spend more time looking after her as well as the children.
What the Consultant has said is that she has permanent lung damage due to smoking and also the latest chest infection and reduced her respiratory ability too. They officially call it Type 2 respiratory failure or COPD. In the olden days it would have been called smokers lung or emphysema. In all honesty I wish they would have called it either of them with mum when she was first diagnosed as it may have spurred her on to quit smoking before now, which is too little too late.
She also has been diagnosed with anemia, which is obviously not helping with her oxygen stats, so has had a number of scans. She will also need a gastroscopy and colonoscopy, but can not undergo the sedation at the moment as her oxygen levels may drop too much (sedation reduced the rate you breath at).
Mum has been staying with us since her discharge from hospital a week ago and now the hard works starts in getting all the help and financial assistance we can.
My mum lives on her own and this will not change until she needs round the clock nursing care, as she will not be looked after in either my brothers or my home (her choice and one that I am relieved immensely by).
We always thought that it would be her rheumatoid arthritis which caused her to be unable to manage the stairs, so last year when an endowment matured she had a downstairs wet room installed, which will be a godsend, however, we still need to arrange to get 2 stair lifts installed.
Why two you ask, well mum lived in an old victorian terrace and the bathroom is set on a landing between two staircases, as it was an add on at the rear of the house along with the kitchen and the levels are different to the bedrooms.
I also need to arrange a wheel chair, as up to now we have always borrowed one when necessary.
Someone to come in and do the cleaning and the ironing in the short term. Once Mini is at school full time in September then I will do this on a daily basis, however, mum is going to need some help and assistance in getting up and dressed for a little while and also in cooking meals etc.
It is so, so hard and makes me really sad. I never thought I would be responsible for looking after my mum at 36 with a nearly 5 year old and a 3 year old to look after as well. In addition to this I am aware that it is important that I continue to work on my relationship with MadDad too.
Yes I am feeling it, the pressure, this is my mum, the woman who brought me up, we may not always see eye to eye, but I love her and can not bear the thought of losing her.
Yes I am under pressure, I want her to live as independant a life as she can, I want her to enjoy her life and I want the grandchildren to have happy memories of their time with her.
Yes I am under pressure, social care teams are woefully understaffed and getting any support is hard.
But I am also under the opinion that you are only given the things you can handle to deal with and as a family we will all get through this. My Brother has been fantastic, visiting every night even though he really needs to be in the club.
MadDad is being a star as always, giving me the space and time I need to blog, be with the children and an ear to moan into and arms to fall into.
I am not looking for sympathy, as you know that is not my thing, but a little understanding now and then, whilst I work at getting the balance right for all involved and yes I may be under pressure, but I do have my mother to celebrate mothers day with this Sunday and at the moment, after the few weeks we have had that is all I could have asked for.
This post was inspired by prommt 5 What is making you feel under pressure right now?